#but also i wanna see my family . idk
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In which I am perfectly normal about the Todd Family
One thing I really really love about the Todds (their og post-crisis introduction, not the flying todds or whatever bs recent comics have pushed through) is how they challenge us to question not only our classist prejudice and the way it frames our judgment, but also the moral weight we put behind concepts of abuse, neglect or crime.
Look. The Todds weren't "good parents". Maybe they used to be, when he was little; but there was a point after which Willis Todd didn't take care of his son because he simply was not there, and Catherine didn't take care of little Jason, instead parentifying him and putting an extraordinary pressure onto him as her caregiver. They both criminally neglected Jason and Catherine's death under Jason's care must have been pretty traumatic, after which he found himself completely abandoned.
But what does it mean to be a good parent? Is it to be a good person who is also a parent? Is it to be good at parenting skills? Is it to not abuse or neglect your children and provide enrichment and a good environment to grow in? Is it to try your best with what you have, and hope it's enough? Willis became a criminal because he needed money to feed his family and that landed him in jail, unable to care for Jason. Catherine, whether she died of overdose due to her substance use disorder or cancer or ODed as an attempt to self-medicate the cancer pains with heroin, was unable to care for Jason because of an illness (in the US, which has a horrifying medical system which is systematically violent to everyone but the ultra-rich) and had to rely on him for caregiving until her death. Does that mean they were bad people? Bad parents? Was Catherine a bad mom who tried her best, a good mom in an impossible situation, a good person who was neglectful and/or abusive but never wished to be? Does the concept of good parenting even make sense? Here's a secret about abuse: abusive parents very rarely wish to be. They often don't consider themselves so, explain their actions with justifications regarding their intent to give their child the weapons for a better life, or explain away the responsibility. But they're not wrong: if you're raised in a culture that tells you that beating your children is the way to help them get a better future, it's justified to blame and criticise the culture that told you this, and can you really be called a bad parent when you were only trying to help? Neglect is more frequent amongst the working class, and that statistics is neither a moral judgement nor a classist stereotype: it's merely the logical consequence of a system that fabricates scarcity. Of course you're not gonna feed your child if you don't have the money to feed them -and if you need to feed them and steal the money (or earn it by working as a gangster) to do so, it's a crime, and then you get caught and get sent to jail and can't feed your child anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Jason, upon his introduction, is a stereotypical "bad boy", a young criminal, who steals and doesn't go to school. And tiny baby Jason, from his twelve years and three apple tall, sneers in the face of anticipated moral judgement and says fuck that you don't get to say that, I'm only doing what I need to survive and there's nothing wrong with it, I didn't have any other option that wasn't degrading and dehumanizing. And this is why I like Batman #408 so much: this character, who is so young and funny and cute and goddamn sweet, is introduced committing a crime against Batman; as an alternative to doing crime, Bruce puts him in a school/group home that teaches its students to do crime. How perfectly cool that is as an origin story? It's a literal school that makes criminals (and punishes you violently when you refuse to comply). Bruce was completely well-intentioned, he just wanted to help a wayward child, but when the system itself is fucked up, when the system is actively trying to produce crime, what option does Jason have but to escape again, and go right back to committing the same literal crime? And of course, Jason's trust in Batman-the system-the adults- is broken, to the point where he doesn't expect Batman to believe him and intervenes at the robbery himself.
So is Jason a criminal? Are the Todds neglectful? Yes. Does that make him a bad kid? Does that make them bad people? What about bad parents? How much easier is it to be a good parent, when you have the money to do so?
Anyway I love the Todd family I love the themes and critique they pose I love Ma'Gunn both as Batman's foil and Jason's introductory antagonist I wish Jason's Robin Run carried on exploring these themes I love you Catherine and Willis and Jason Todd I love you Batman #408.
#dc#jason todd#dc comics#willis todd#catherine todd#faye ma gunn#ma gunn#batman (1940)#batman 408#i also had a paragraph about social psychology elements around the classist view on crime#but i cut them out because idk it feels like i'm saying pretty obvious stuff and i don't wanna sound like i'm preaching#hard to tell without perspective#anyway as you can see i am super normal about the todds#red hood#robin#robin ii#jason should have been a class conscious robin#alas#and yet another day of annoying little me pushing my “abuse isn't a personality trait or morality flaw it's an action or behaviour”#“and similarly neglect is an absence of action or behaviour”#jason todd meta#todd family meta
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chat i think im gonna be sick
(Powers of X #6)
#xmen#xmen comics#powers of x#charles xavier#snap scans#snap chats#moira stronger than me like ik why we here we're gonna die if not and so that is why she is stronger than me she is committing#i woulda kissed him in this moment too tho she and i are family on that front im afraid i do find him very cute#also. SIDE TANGENT. i loved the art before this of charles slowly processing the horrors of moiras mind ...#EXCELLENT art i must eat it at once#the most devious part of this is after i finished reading i went to go to my brother to talk about What I Read#and the second i pulled up like 'his sad eyes Brother im gonna be sick' he immediately quoted this page I HATE IT HERE#thats why they had to put that dome over charles' eyes so no one could look at his sad eyes anymore#this is in fact something i love and always love seeing but it still hurts i will not LIIIEEE#cant wait to read bout how this all goes horribly wrong ....#while my bro and i were talkin we were talkin bout other in-between stories an i wanna check those out at some point ...#maybe ill check my comic shop sometime in the future idk. for now im gonna throw up !!!!!!!!!!#i will simply spend tomorrow watching the rest of 92 im almost done with it. relatively speaking i will feel healed then probably#i got like two seasons left which is basically the same length as season 3 and then its onto 97#thats just one season for now so ... should finish that quick ..#ok bye i have Being Sick to be
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If SWK and MK come from the same stone, does that mean they are brothers? I don't know how others would see it though.
i think that all depends on the audience (and if i’m being honest, i hope that canon doesn’t clarify it precisely bc the fandom discourse will be insufferable 🙄 and i am so sick of THAT type of discourse)
are they brothers? if that fits with how their dynamic works for you, then sure! it makes sense when they do share the same egg, but also can we really place that as the distinction?
personally, SWK and MK’s dynamic to me reads like mentor/pupil that borders the line of familial (but what are those familial lines to me??? it is so vague, bestie if i’m being honest. sometimes i view them as brothers with an age gap. sometimes it’s uncle/nephew, and sometimes it’s grandpa/grandchild). i wouldn’t call their relationship brotherly the same way i would argue for the royalty duo. it’s just an unlabeled type of found family to me, ya know?
but canon-wise? well it has the mentor/pupil but also shows how they blur the lines into a friendship by s2. and then we have s4 teasing about SWK being MK’s possible dad (and why the teasing? well, the story is playing in the same assumptions audience members made: swk is a monkey, MK has monkey powers, they share similar enemies, and then you have the stone egg). but then the season ends leaving the connection between MK and SWK still vague while re-establishing the father/son with Pigsy and MK (and strengthening it in s5 bless)
AND THEN!!! S5 begins with SWK and MK finding their stone (i believe it was SWK who said “our stone” if my context clues are working) and even after MK’s origins are revealed, there still isn’t a solid confirmation on the familial aspect between SWK and MK but there is a connection. but i have no idea what the characters were saying, idk if they made any of that clear in s5
anyway, short answer: SWK and MK coming from the same stone does not need to mean they are brothers. it can be if you want it to even after lmk canon confirms or denies it. my personal interpretation is more blurry than brothers but to each their own
#sorry if my explanation was unclear#wasn’t able to write this in one sitting#anyway#what i’m trying to say is that same stone does not necessarily mean they are brothers#it could be how you understand it and i get that#personally MK and SWK coming from the same stone just means to me that they are celestial monkeys#tho MK’s was purposefully messed up#also: why tf did Mr Nine crack MK’s stone#we see in s5 anyway inserts MK’s creation in it but then in a later episode it’s revealed that Nine dude cracks it#(which also means he’s been playing as one of the Ten Kings for some time. how long??? idk i wish we were given a solid timeline T^T)#tbh the best explanation i can say is that swk and MK are cousin coded if we wanna go with ‘family tree’ understanding#but that also isn’t my full idea of their dynamic. i’m sorry it’s hard for me to explain rn :/#lmk#asks#lmk sun wukong#lmk mk#sunburst duo#lmk sunburst duo#lmk season 5#lmk s5#lmk spoilers#lmk s5 spoilers#lmk season 5 spoilers
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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I might have OCD actually
#idk i can't tell if its ocd or paranoia#but all my life these “share this text to 10 contacts or your mum will die” always made me unreasonably panicked#and more and more because of posts like “donate now or you are a horrible person” make me deeply unwell#i feel so selfish because i know it's not their fault#im not blaming palestinians reaching out for help more like the people who share the posts and then guilt trip everyone#and i really dont wanna block the tags because it'll make me feel even worse and i still want to be informed#i have so many asks pilling up but idk what to do because I'm useless i can't help in anyway i dont have any reach and no money in my name#and i dont wanna close asks because i do enjoy ask games#but also idk what to do#because when i reply its so hard i feel miserable because i can't help but as soon as i reply i get 20 new ones and it's incredibly overwhel#overwhelming#but when i dont answer my brain is screaming at me “if you dont reply your while family will die in a car crash”#and it's a simple mental image to think of the more asks i answer the more i get the more my brain tells me awful things#I'm sorry to any mutual i may have unfollowed because they shared so many guilt tripping posts i genuinely can't do it anymore#and i feel terrible#and I don't wanna leave Tumblr because it's my only social platform left lmao and thevother ones are all awful its the inly one i like#I'm just not in the right mental state to constantly see “donate or you dont deserve to live even if youre poor” kinda posts#it's not even triggering its just making my “ocd” worse than it ever was#all day long my brian been telling me “you will die today because you didnt answer the asks!!”#it's genuinely horrible idk what to do and eother way i feel like a piece of shit i feel like i dont have the right to feel this way
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Gamers this Yakuza crush is crushing! You know it's bad when I'm already trying to make an s/i
#pan rambles#it's gonna take forever for me to play his game unfortunately ;v;#I wanna see him so bad...He seems so sweet and silly and 👉👈#Since I'm nowhere near close to his game- My s/i is still a big WIP#I don't want them to be involved with any Yakuza stuff though#Also I think it'd be fun if maybe a younger s/i appeared in one of Kiryu's games-#Idk about that though. we'll see#I just think it'd be fun if minor character that showed up in a few games shows up again and ends up becoming [REDACTED's] Love interest#But yeah-agksbfjdk Much to think about but alas it'll take forever before I actually get to that point of playing his game(s)😔#I'd love to play more but some IRL stuff has been taking up my mind and it makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything lately#I just love making mistakes and feeling like I'm the biggest disgrace to my family ever <3 /s#That aside though- don't wanna focus on the bad stuff#I'm gonna focus on my f/os now! Yayyy Yippee!
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"Just be careful. My dad loves you but he'll stick a knife right in your back and sever your spine!"
#cbs matlock#matlock reboot#matlock 01x04#matlock spoilers#julian markston#jason ritter#not him looking out for olympia in small ways again...#that man just wants his family to be happy#i don't think i wanna see him be sad or lash out... let's just stay here!#not his face when matty intercepts him...#he's like ''uh... i definitely love my wife a normal amount''#the way he opens the box of his father's stuff is so extra lol(also bonus olympia in the gif... idk i love her reaction)#i do mean ''love'' in both a platonic and romantic way#i feel like you can see skye/olympia try not to laugh or smile in the second to last gif and i love seeing it tbh#also... JULIAN WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING??#i don't think he's necessarily trying to get back with her tbh... he just wants to be there for her
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I want to delete my account.... disappear for a bit........ but I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T I PROMISE
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#I'm my worst enemy atp HAHA#Idk a fresh start does SOUND nice#but this user is like. mine#it's ME#my identity if you will#and I also have a lot of memories here and while it is a messy account (which bugs me..... I wanna clean it out so bad but it's HARD)#and I'm going to see family on Thursday and we're coming home Sunday I believe#which is rlly cool bc I don't see those family members a lot#but my mental exhaustion..... It's tiring to interact irl#and online interaction is a lot easier for me personally#aaaand ik I'll probably get irritated a lot get frustrated lock myself away bc of that all#you get the point#my thoughts also say that if I were to disappear here it'd take a bit for ppl to notice/they wouldn't care that I'm not on the platform any#BUT IK IT'S NOT TRUE#I seek validation too much I'm gonna be completely honest#I want to know ppl would miss me I want to know I make a difference here but yk#my account always dies for a bit when I'm on some kind of break 💔💔#I was abt to get wayyy too deep there HELP#yeah probably gonna delete this list in a few hrs I always cringe at them later on bc of the stuff I say in tags#I'm too much of a yapper and share too much online#but nobody sees anyways#and me saying that stuff makes me call myself an attention seeker istg 💀💀#sorry guys 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#I'm trying to make this humorous and not too serious 😞😞
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Actually I think it's a bit unfair that I can't be an astrophysicist and a historian and a game developer and a marine biologist and an archaeologist and an author and a seamstress at the same time
#I think I have a quarter-life crisis /hj#like I want to make space discoveries but I also want to analyse ww2 battles and I want to-#study the behaviour of whales and I want to create fictional worlds and I want to sew costumes and and and#there's so much knowledge out there to be learned and things to try out how are you supposed to do this all in one lifetime?#when you're expected to start working a fulltime job and stay in that line for the rest of your life??#though my problem isn't necessarily that I don't wanna be doing that job - it's more that I don't *only* wanna be doing that job#I just wish I could just try different job fields and see what they're like for like 2-3 years before trying out something else#but since they're all so different I'd have to start from the bottom again every time which probably also means worse payment etc#and I just don't have the time for that because I'd also like to build a stable life and maybe have a family later on#plus some of these jobs are just don't pay very well to begin with#I swear if I was rich and didn't have to worry about regular income I'd probably just be a forever student and study a whole bunch of stuff#just because I want to#unless I win the lottery I'll probably just start working fulltime though once I hopefully finish my master's#however I've already been thinking about signing up for studying history afterwards regardless - just for fun without pressure#I love the topic and then I wouldn't have the pressure of *needing* to find a job in the field afterwards#bc it's hard to find something unless you go for the teacher (or maybe professor) route plus pay seems kinda meh either way#but we'll see#I don't even know what this post is supposed to be. like not really a vent but. still complaining? idk#I don't know how to tag this#selnia talks
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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posting more on tumblr lately cus 1. it's my last bastion of social media that people i see regularly irl dont follow me and 2. trying to avoid my stupid baka life and two assignments i have due in 4 days one of which i've not even started LOL but between you and me i think that if the last two times ive had to get my flights back to wales it's made me literally want to blow myself up then maybe i should rethink staying there for another year after i finish my degree in april...
#i love love love love wales i just havent been doing very well in the brain at all the last while#i would be really really sad to leave but i also just want to be at home and be with my family again#idk.. we'll see what happens#a lot of it comes down to getting a job because if i cant get a decent job there i will go broke after one rent payment#and theres no point in having a job that pays the bills but makes me wanna shoot myself#id rather be at home and like yeah isolated missing my friends but at least comfortable#just fear id regret it in the long run LOL idkkkkkkk man!!!!!!#poast
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.
#holidays have not been what i hoped for so far 😔😔#well the first week was good but then i got sick 😭#and it's been so awful#having a cough is literally the worst i couldn't sleep it was so bad#and i couldn't even enjoy doing anything really because you can't properly focus on the thing bc ur coughing non stop#i hate it sm#and today it was gone all day only that now it is back altough not as bad as before but still#it always gets worse in the evening#like help i just want this to end#what made it even worse i had real plans to study and now i barely got anything done 😭😭#and now i'm scared for exams bc i couldn't follow the plan altough i still have more than 2 and 3 weeks left#in my mind i already think i'm gonna do badly bc i need to study more i'm afraid#and i'm also upset at myself even though it's not my fault i got sick but i keep thinking i still could have done more ughh#to make it even worse i coudn't play tennis for a whole week and i was so looking forward to playing everyday (and improving) 😢😢#i couldn't do any sports or see anyone i miss it sm#i hope at least in the new year i can do stuff again 🥺#it was just the worst cold/flu and idk why whenever i get it it's that extreme 😵💫#or idk is it normal that you can't sleep bc of it ... i just don't wanna get sick again ever lmao it's the worst#i guess christmas was still nice it wasn't that bad then and it was a lovely day with my family :)#and our tree was really pretty this year and i'm really happy with my gifts and also those i gifted 🥰#the week before was good i did play lots of tennis and i went on a christmas market with uni friend and to vienna for a trip with my mom ^^#but maybe it was too much sometimes i wonder if i do something wrong or if it is just bad luck like i did train a lot#and i played a tennis match for my club and won against a higher ranked opponent so yay 😁#and i played really well i feel like i once again really improved my level :)) but i did play kinda sick already so maybe that was rly bad😅#maybe i should stop doing that 😅 but i didn't know it's gonna get this bad i just had the worst headache and sore throat#well ig i should have known but i also always feel like i have to play and i love matches and like my team needs me?#who else would have won that? i'm one of the best at my team and the others who are rly good weren't there that day so i felt responsible 😅#honestly my mom possibly she is also quite good but it would have been close and i wasn't sure so i played 😅#but i have done this too often by now... playing sick i really can't help myself 🤦♀️
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Cry if you want. It’s okay.
#crash course in romance#korean drama#mygif#doing sumthin a little different this week#and posting about these 2 instead#becus this scene was my fav out of everything we got in eps 13 and 14#i dont have too much to say about eps 13 and 14#other than that.. well.. it happened and it aired and thats pretty much it#i dont wanna come off as negative or annoying (even tho im annoying)#but i really am not a big fan of the whole villain killer story#ruins my vibe and the vibes of the drama asdkfj#like just give me more haengseon and her family#and more of my parents#i dont need anything else#i dont WANT anything else tbh#this scene between jaewoo and yeongju was beautiful#but it was also painful and bittersweet and heartwarming#blah idk how to feel with the finale coming up#sadly the drama aint been the same the past few weeks for me even tho there's been a few moments here and there#we'll see#also i need haeyi to wake up#WAKE UP MY CHILD#we nEED YOU PLS#shameless plug but i wrote a post about eps 13 and 14 so if you wanna read more of my rant check out my post ksksks
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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i’m supposed to be happy down here rn, but I’m not. I feel so homesick. not for my hometown, no. but for Rich and the boys at the shop. Rich especially needs me rn bc he just got outed and lost of all his business contacts so now he has absolutely no money coming in except for his disability payments. he didn’t even call me once during this ordeal. when I asked him why last night, he said that he didn’t wanna bother me bc I’m supposed to be on vacation and chilling and didn’t want me to worry about him. I can’t be mad bc I’d do the same thing honestly.
down here, everything seems so foreign to me. like I just stick out like a sore thumb. but nobody here knows me and I can truly be myself without judgement or preconceived notions ppl have about me. well, not really bc it’s dangerous for trans ppl down here. despite my life being shit back home, I miss it. I rlly do. and I’ve nearly drank about five different times and the rally (the big stressor) isn’t until Thursday. i’m terrified that I’ll relapse soon if I stay here, and if I do, mom and sis will scream and scream at me saying that I’ve disappointed grandma and am spitting on her memory by going back to the very thing that she fought so hard to help me beat back.
i’m just. Sad. and I feel empty inside. so very empty.
#also came to the realization down here that i definitely have zero empathy and struggle super bad#with having any sympathy for anyone at all#do I think im a sociopath? well. the jury’s out on that honestly#do i care only about myself? pretty much except for rich#do i manipulate my family just bc i can and bc i wanna#see what would happen? yep#do i catch myself manipulating other people without thinking#yep again. if I do end up being some flavor of sociopathic idk how my family will react#i do have sociopathic tendencies ill admit it#basically i’m scared of myself of bc of this realization#and the urge to sh has been rlly fucking bad down here#I truly cannot relax and just Chill can I
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